If anyone in this world understands the friend zone—it’s me.
I get it. It sucks. And I’ve been there more times than I can count.
But if you want to learn how to get out of the friend zone, I’m going to tell you a secret.
It all starts with your mindset.
In this post, you’re going to learn 17 essential tips that I’ve learned in my dating and relationship experiences over the past 13 years.
These tips helped me to go from being a ‘loser dork’ who couldn’t get out of the friendzone, to being an alpha male who can literally choose to date as many women as I want.
It’s not difficult. But it does require some understanding.
What Will I Learn?
Here are the 17 steps. If you follow these tips, you’re bound to level-up and succeed.
17 Steps – How to Get Out of the Friend Zone With a Girl
1. Don’t Fall Into It to Begin With
Nailing your first impression with a woman is incredibly important.
And in my experience, this is the key to avoiding the ‘friendzone’ debacle in the first place.
I’m going to be honest with you, men. Once she classifies you as a ‘friend’ as opposed to a ‘sexual interest,’ getting back on top of the situation (yes, pun) is going to be infinitely more difficult.
When it comes to registering as a real option on a woman’s sexual radar, first impressions matter.
In my experience, the best way to establish a first impression that keeps you out of the friendzone is to act confident, strong in yourself, and honest about what you want.
When I meet a woman and introduce myself for the first time, I evaluate her.
Would I be interested in this person as a sexual partner?
Do I actually want to try to sleep with this person?
These are questions that you need to answer for yourself.
And to be honest, there is no hurry to answer them right away.
In fact, contrary to popular belief, there isn’t anything wrong with getting to know a girl before deciding if you would be interested in her to begin with.
But for most men, this isn’t the problem. Most men go wrong when they decide that they want her, but fail to act on that desire in the appropriate fashion.
You may think that I’m crazy for saying this, but hear me out, men.
Women can smell this a mile away.
It’s like a sixth sense. And if you fall prey to it, you’ll literally friendzone yourself.
If you want her, but fail to act on it like a strong, confident man—she is going to lose interest so fast that it will make your head spin!
Avoiding this problem is half the battle.
You know what they say. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure—and it’s true.
2. Stop Being Afraid of Rejection
So many men are afraid of rejection.
And to a point, this is understandable.
It hurts to be told that you aren’t attractive enough. It hurts to know that the person you are attracted to doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.
But men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
There is nothing to fear.
Rejection is a part of life. Not every woman is going to be interested in you, and that is fine.
Even if you learn to game and get really good at pickup, you are not going to score 100% of the time.
But you do need to put yourself out there!
I learned to overcome my fear of rejection through ‘Exposure Therapy’.
I picked out a night, went to the club with a friend, and used a truly mortifying pickup line that would basically guarantee that I would get rejected.
And guess what? It worked. That night, I used the pickup line on the 10 most beautiful women at the club—and got rejected every time.
One girl even spit out her drink when she heard it!
I literally got laughed at by entire groups of women for trying to use this pickup line.
But something crazy happened.
After that, I realized that rejection isn’t so bad—and this empowered me to become bolder.
That night, I overcame my fear of engaging with women.
Why would I fear rejection? There is always another chance. The world is full of people!
3. Present Yourself Honestly: As a Man With a Sexual Interest
This is where most men really go wrong with the friend zone issue.
If you want to learn how to get out of the friend zone with a girl, learning to be up-front and honest about your intention is important.
Here’s the thing.
Men and women serve different roles in nature. Men are nature’s competitors, and women are the natural ‘selectors.’
In the words of David M. Buss, in his highly acclaimed book The Evolution Of Desire, Strategies Of Human Mating, he says:
“Males who fail to attract females risk being shut out of mating.”
And it is true. Women can walk into any club and be virtually guaranteed that they will be able to get laid.
For most men, this is not the case.
But women also face a different problem.
They don’t want to just have sex with any man. They want a high-value man to copulate with.
So as men, we stand to gain a lot of ground on the dating market by becoming higher-value versions of ourselves.
And part of this comes from how we present ourselves.
I recently met an attractive woman for coffee.
I decided immediately that I was sexually interested in her.
But here’s the thing.
She had no shortage of interested men pursuing her—and no sooner had we started talking than she was telling me about all of the men who wanted to sleep with her.
In other words—if I didn’t act fast, I was going to be put into the friend zone by default.
This is an important element. Women decide whether or not they have sexual interest quickly.
You may only have one hang-out or date to make your true sexual intentions known.
Unless she has a massive crush on you, she’s going to rule you out as a friend if you don’t step up and make your move.
So I engaged with her, started flirting with her, and made my intentions known by sexually escalating.
I went for a kiss early-on in the date, 20 minutes after we started talking—so that there would be no question about what I was interested in.
This was my way of putting it all on the table as a man.
This was me basically saying:
“I’m sexually interested in you as a man. I’m not just here to be a friend. I enjoy your company, but I want to take this further. Are you interested?
She reciprocated my kiss. And after the date, we connected in a more private setting—and had a very good time together!
In other words, she took the hint—and from that moment on, she categorized me as a ‘sexual interest,’ not as a friend.
And that’s what you want.
4. Know What You Want and Stand By It
When I was younger, I met a woman at the club.
She was short, cute, had long dark hair, and was wearing this really cute little black dress.
I was interested in her, but I was still operating with a beta mindset—and I was afraid to put myself out there.
So I just acted friendly toward her. I didn’t make any kind of flirting moves at all.
And like clockwork, about 30 minutes into our hangout, she started telling me how most men just want to have sex—and how nice it was to just hang out with a guy who wasn’t interested in that.
I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. Like clockwork—she had already categorized me as a friend, not as a sexual interest.
But here’s the thing.
I didn’t try to disagree with her. I let her say it and I went with it, because I was afraid of rejection, and figured that it was better to be her friend than for her to walk away from me.
In my mind, being her friend was more likely to get me into bed with her than disagreeing with her. In my mind, I needed to avoid ‘disturbing the waters.’
I didn’t want to disagree with her.
Men, this is where it starts to go really wrong.
I did all kinds of things wrong with this woman.
Learn from my mistakes.
Do not be afraid of disagreeing with a woman.
If you are interested in sex, own it.
Know what you want, and stand by it.
Don’t second-guess yourself.
Don’t be ashamed of your sexual interest.
There is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you don’t just want to be friends, be willing to make that known to her.
You may get rejected sometimes. But sometimes, women will respect and admire your strength of character—and this will actually make them more attracted to you.
5. Stop Trying to Impress Women
Nice-guy syndrome, putting women on a pedestal—this problem wears many masks.
But at the end of the day, the issue is this.
Many men believe that they need to impress women to attract them.
Men may try to impress women by being nice, worshipping them, putting them on a pedestal, trying to be a ‘gentleman,’ spending money on them, being their friend, etc.
But here’s the thing.
This mindset is incredibly destructive to men who are trying to display sexual interest.
At the end of the day, the act of you trying to impress a woman sends only one message.
That you are not as good as her, and that you need to impress her in the hope that she will give you sexual access.
But men—this is not how it works.
This is what women automatically sense when you try to impress them.
This man doesn’t think that he is as good as me—so he must be right. Why would I want to let him sleep with me if he doesn’t even think that he is a high-value man?
This is so subtle. And yet, this is exactly the message we send to women when we try to act super nice, be a gentleman, and/or put her on a pedestal.
We are literally showing her that she must be better than us—and she will believe it!
6. How to Get Out of the Friend Zone With a Girl: Stop Falling Into a Scarcity Mindset
I love how Jessica Dowches-Wheeler describes the scarcity mindset.
“A scarcity mindset is the belief that there will never be enough, resulting in feelings of fear, stress, and anxiety.”
When you operate with a scarcity mindset about women, you give off vibes that are needy, desperate, and clingy.
And to women, all of these vibes resonate with a simple, detrimental message.
You are low value.
Women don’t want low-value men.
They want powerful, strong, leadership-oriented men who will excite them, challenge them, sweep them off their feet, and lead them into a beautiful, slightly dangerous, erotic sexual adventure.
But if you walk up to women, try to impress them, and operate out of a fear of rejection—you give off the signals of a scarcity mindset.
As high-value men, we need to understand that women are looking for men with an abundance mentality.
Women are going to put men with a scarcity mindset into the friend zone because they simply don’t register as high value.
Whereas, when men approach women out of a mindset of abundance, the woman picks up on the fact that many beautiful women want this man.
This makes her realize that he must have value. And so, instead of automatically putting him into the friendzone, she categorizes him as a sexual interest.
Make no mistake. Women are sexual creatures as well.
In fact, there is some evidence to suggest that women may actually be hungrier for sex than men.
Men who see all women as frigid creatures who don’t care about sex are certainly operating from a standpoint of scarcity.
Whereas, men who approach from an abundance mindset understand that women ferociously crave sex.
They just want to have it with high-value men. That’s really the crux of the whole picture.
7. Understand That All Relationships Are Social Exchanges
Understanding that all relationships are basically social agreements is important in understanding why men find themselves in the friendzone to begin with.
Here is what you need to understand.
Humans all have social needs.
And we pair up with other humans who meet our needs.
When two humans pair up to help meet each others’ needs, relationships are formed.
But weirdly enough, we do this without ever really talking about it.
People make friends to meet friendship needs, but never really discuss what those needs are.
Those relationships just sort of happen—and for good reason.
As empathetic creatures, humans are pretty adept at not only seeking out social connections to meet their own needs, but are also pretty good at figuring out what other humans need as well.
And with our inherent drive to assimilate well into the tribe, we usually want to make other people happy.
And so, natural friendships emerge without anyone really needing to think about it or vocalize it.
But sexual relationships take this to a more intimate level.
Sex is the most intimate social construct.
And as such, people are usually more selective about who they choose to fulfill their sexual needs.
Women are especially choosy about their sexual partners because they usually have greater access to a wider range of partners than most men.
So when you approach a woman with the desire to be her sexual partner, but only immediately address her friendship needs, she will probably categorize you as a friend instead of a sexual interest.
Because if she is a beautiful woman, she likely has no shortage of sexual suitors.
And if you don’t assert yourself as a potential sexual suitor, there’s no reason for her to think that you wanted anything more than friendship.
It’s just not on her radar.
This is actually tied into a rather fascinating scientific idea called Error Management Theory.
And in studying this theory, you will learn about sexual under perception bias—which is the idea that women tend to under-perceive sexual advances (don’t notice them) as often as they occur because they are not looking for them and don’t have much to lose by missing out on them.
To put it simply—It is usually up to men to assert themselves sexually when dealing with high-value women. And if you don’t make it known that you want to engage in a sexual relationship, and only meet her needs on a friendship level—she is automatically going to assume that all you want is friendship, and is going to categorize you as such—all without really thinking about it.
In other words—you need to make her realize that you actually want her sexually—by asserting yourself and being up-front about what you want.
8. Learn to State Your Desires – Without Necessarily ‘Stating’ Them
Now, the question bears asking.
How do you assert yourself sexually?
First, you need to overcome your fear of rejection.
Then, you need to learn how to make it known that you’re interested without being crass or off-putting.
This is something that a lot of men struggle with.
When I meet a woman who I’m interested in, I make sure that I start to build a connection and sexually escalate before she overlooks me as a sexual interest.
This will usually start within 20 minutes of meeting her.
I will ask her some questions, learn about her, and also share a little bit of information about myself with her as well.
These questions may be flirty, but I don’t come right out talking about sex. Most women would label that as ‘crass,’ and wouldn’t be interested in it.
When we share with one another about real, personal things, we become more connected.
And that’s important.
I may ask her if she enjoys her work, what her passions are, and how her dating experiences lately have been.
These are all rather innocent questions to ask. But they can get her to open up to you and can lead into a discussion about dating/relationship desires.
I will also initiate a bit of rather innocent touch into our interactions.
I may touch her shoulder, push a bit of her hair back out of her face, take her hand to get a closer look at her nails, etc.
This sends her an obvious message.
I’m interested in touching you, and I’m showing you my desires without coming on too strong.
This gives you an opportunity to see if she reacts well to it.
If she pulls away or tries to put distance between herself and you—take the hint and take your leave.
But if she leans in, seems to enjoy it, and/or continues to keep the interaction going—then it’s highly likely that she is enjoying herself as well.
9. Don’t Get Hung up on Just One Girl
When avoiding the friend zone, we must approach every dating opportunity from a mindset of abundance.
This is incredibly important.
And if we get hung up on just one woman (her), we are almost always going to approach the situation with a scarcity mindset.
As a man, having options puts you more at ease.
When I go on a date, I may be interested in a woman—but I’m not desperate.
Because I have many options for sex and dating, and I don’t need to try hard.
This is called an abundance mindset—and it frees me up to just be my genuine, authentic self.
To avoid getting hung up on just one girl, make sure that you are always expanding your social circles. Make sure that you are always meeting new people, and being open to asking other women out as well.
Do not get into a monogamous or committed relationship with a woman until you are 1000% sure that this is the only woman you want—and do not do it until you feel 1000% confident in it.
10. Level up Your Value on the Sexual Marketplace
There are many ways to level up your value on the sexual marketplace.
But an obvious place to start is in the ‘looks’ department!
Back when I first got out of my marriage, I was overweight and had a terrible style.
So I started hitting the gym and working on leveling-up my fashion choices.
Pretty soon, with a slimmer waist, bigger muscles, better hair, and nicer clothes, women started to hit on me… and I didn’t even have to do anything!
All it took was a simple level-up—better habits that helped me to have a healthier body, and better fashion to help me look better.
I went from not being able to get dates, to dating all kinds of beautiful women.
The key is to work on improving yourself.
Here are some of the best things that you can do to improve your sexual marketplace value.
- Work out
- Eat healthier foods
- Count your calories
- Dress better
- Read books and educate yourself
- Take better care of your house/car/surroundings
- Level up your income and make more money
- Expand your social circles and start to build a tribe for yourself
- Become a leader in your social dominance hierarchies
- Start pursuing your true purpose in life, and stop chasing women as your primary goal
11. Date More Than One Woman at a Time
This tip is similar to tip number 9.
Not getting hung up on one woman is definitely important.
But with that being said, it’s also important that you be dating more than one woman at once.
This is very effective for staying out of the friend zone, and I’ll explain why.
Women are instinctively more attracted to men who are highly desired by other attractive women.
This may seem counter-intuitive, but it actually makes a lot of sense.
When a woman sees that a man is admired and desired by other women, she can’t help but to ask herself why?
If other women want him, he must be a good catch!
This is what I call ‘tribal vetting,’ and it is actually a pretty powerful technique.
If women know that you are the type of man who dates many women, they may intellectually consider you a ‘player,’ but their instincts will be telling them that you must be high-value, which will make them more likely to want to jump your bones!
12. Make Your Intentions Known—but Do It With Your Actions
When you get right down to it, coming out and stating what you want is highly preferable to not saying anything.
But obviously, if you can find a tactful way to make your feelings known, you will have better results.
If avoiding the friend zone is the key, then you are going to be better off coming out and saying outright what you are looking for, versus hoping that she will just pick up on it.
But you will also find that tactful action is usually the golden ticket.
- Scenario 1: Man takes a woman out to dinner. They talk. He behaves like a true gentleman, never making a move, never touching her, always maintaining distance. She categorizes him as a friend, thinks there is no sexual attraction. Nothing happens.
He is most likely going to end up in the friendzone.
- Scenario 2: Man takes a woman out to dinner. No sooner do they sit down than he opens up to her and lays it all out on the table.
“I’m really into you. I think you’re hot. I don’t just want to be friends. I want to take you back to my place and hook up after dinner. That’s what I’m here for.”
This will definitely keep him out of the friendzone, for sure! But it may come as such a shock to her that it has the potential to ruin the mood.
Chances of getting friendzoned? Close to zero. Chances of getting turned down by her at the end of the night? About 65-75%, based purely off of the abruptness of his honesty and the lack of mystery.
(Side note: Women LOVE mystery!)
- Scenario 3: Man takes a woman out to dinner. He asks her about her job, her hobbies, her passions, and her life goals.
He displays a genuine interest in her as a human being and stimulates her mind with a conversation.
As they discuss things, he flirts with her. He gently pushes her hair out of her eyes. At one point, as they are talking about her passion for fashionable lotions, he reaches across the table and takes her hand. He holds it for a moment, as if evaluating it.
“Hmmm… your hands ARE pretty soft. Your lotion choices must not be too bad!”
They barely get started with their food when he leans over and goes in for the first kiss—not acting too quickly, but not letting things go too far before he shows her that he desires her as a woman.
She is surprised—but his confidence turns her on. She now understands where this date is headed—and she doesn’t disengage. She decides to go along for the ride and enjoy herself, wherever that may lead.
Do you see the difference? Subtle flirting, with nuanced sexual escalation, combined with a bit of mystery (her not knowing what exactly he is planning) is the golden ticket to riding that delicate line between being crass and letting her know exactly what you want.
That is the ‘balance’ that women crave.
13. Understand That You Can’t Always Manufacture Sexual Attraction
I am a dating coach. I literally coach men to build attraction, connect, flirt, and sexually escalate with women.
And even I sometimes strike out with the women I’m dating.
Here’s the thing.
You aren’t going to be successful 100% of the time.
But some men let this get to them. Some men really struggle with this. It really goes back to that fear of rejection.
What if she rejects him?
What if she says ‘no,’ and he feels embarrassed or emasculated?
Please try to understand that you cannot always manufacture attraction.
Sometimes, it just isn’t there. And if she says ‘no’ to your advances, that’s ok.
Take the hint, hold your head high, thank her for her honesty, and move on.
Don’t try to chase her. Don’t try to pester her. Don’t harass her. Don’t put any more effort into her.
Be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there. And if you get a no, just continue on with your life and try again next time with a different woman.
14. Level Up Your Confidence
One of the most powerful attributes a man can embody when it comes to approaching women is confidence.
In fact, confidence may be the single most important factor when it comes to staying out of the friend zone.
Here’s the thing. A lot of men struggle with low self-value.
They look at a beautiful girl, put her on a pedestal, and think:
Wow, she is so hot. How could a guy like me ever get a girl like her?
But you see, this lack of confidence hurts your efforts—and it absolutely decreases your attraction levels.
If you walk up to a woman with that kind of attitude, you are automatically going to give off some low-value markers.
Because she’s going to sense that low confidence vibe you’re giving off while trying to interact with her. She’s going to see it in your mannerisms, she’s going to feel it when you won’t look her in the eyes, she’s going to notice that your hands aren’t steady, she’s going to see you fidgeting, etc.
It’s really difficult to fake confidence. Faking it is still better than nothing. But it is far better to heal your low self-value before you start dating.
Start building up those levels of self-esteem, leveling up your looks, and basically doing everything we’ve already talked about in step number 10.
You may even need to get some therapy to help you overcome some of your past shame and anxiety.
If you keep working on building yourself up as a man, you will level up your confidence and develop the ability to interact with women with genuine authenticity.
You’ll be able to be confident in yourself. And that will make you a hundred times more attractive, and give you the power to really capture her attention as a sexual interest—thereby keeping yourself from getting categorized as ‘just a friend.’
15. Stop Validating Her Until She Earns It
In our modern world, many men grew up with our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts telling us to ‘pay compliments’ to women.
Treat them like princesses. Treat them like queens.
Tell them they are pretty.
Gush over their beautiful hair.
Tell them that they have stunning eyes, a gorgeous smile, etc.
But as it turns out, the advice your mother gave you as a child doesn’t hold up very well on the sexual marketplace.
Yes, your grandmother will probably appreciate it if you tell her that her smile is stunning.
But if you start doling out these types of compliments to women in the sexual marketplace, two things are going to happen.
- She’s going to assume that she must be better than you, seeing as how you are giving her such lovely compliments
- She is going to categorize you as a friend almost instantly, and save her sexual energy for the next man she desires validation from
Men, listen very closely to what I’m about to say.
If you validate a woman before she has earned your validation, you are going to look low-status and low-value.
High value men do not assume that a beautiful woman has inherent value just because of her beauty. They are interested in more than sex; because for them, sex is easy to get.
Therefore, they are going to be evaluating her based on many other things.
- Does she have integrity?
- Is she intelligent?
- Is she charismatic and charming?
- Does she understand loyalty?
- Can she be trusted?
- Is she interesting as a human?
Women don’t want to be accepted based on their looks and sex-appeal alone.
And a man who automatically validates them based on their looks is going to get written off as low value.
High value men, on the other hand, know that good looks don’t carry true value or substance.
They want to get to know her as a human and evaluate whether or not she is truly a high value woman—inside and out.
When you come out spewing compliments without evaluating her for value or requiring her to qualify herself, she assumes that you aren’t the type of man who is really going to challenge her.
So she writes you off as a friend, saving her sexual interest for a man with more ‘substance’ to his character, status, and value.
16. Go For the Kiss Sooner Rather Than Later
A lot of men make the mistake of going in for the kiss late in the date and then hoping it will lead somewhere.
This is what we learn by watching movies. The guy takes the girl out on a date, they have a great time, he treats her like a gentleman.
Then, at the end of the night, he takes her home—and they share a wonderful, romantic kiss before tumbling into bed and living happily ever after.
Unfortunately, this isn’t how it works in the real world.
And if you wait until the end of the date to kiss her, there is a chance that you are going to be categorized as a friend instead of a sexual interest.
Now, with that being said, it’s also important to understand that this isn’t always necessarily true.
There are two different schools of thought on this. For me personally, I’ve gotten to where I like to kiss early in the date, to establish that sexual connection early on.
But there are also those who say you should always wait until you get her back to your place to go for the kiss, such as in this video.
In any case, it is important that you sexually escalate sooner rather than later to avoid being classified as a friend.
You want her to think of you as a sexual interest.
So whether you test for the kiss with a little bit of touching (as shown in the video), or you actually go in for the kiss—the important thing to keep in mind here is that you need to be escalating sooner rather than later.
You need to set the scene. You need to take the initiative. You need to pave the way to sexual connection.
This is the alpha mindset. You make it happen and lead the way, rather than hoping that she will be into you enough to make some kind of move on her own.
17. Understand That Women Come From a Position of Sexual Abundance
This is a vital principle to understand when it comes to women.
Many men are mystified by women. They don’t understand why women think and behave the way they do.
But to put it quite simply, the fact of the matter is that women face a completely different set of challenges than men.
Men’s sexual objective, according to our evolutionary heritage, is to create as many children with as many different women as possible.
In other words, we want unlimited sexual access to unlimited women.
But you see, women do not need to compete to have sex or sleep with men.
Sex is easy for women to obtain.
Instead, the woman’s sexual objective is to reproduce with the highest value man possible so as to secure the greatest genetic legacy for her children. She also wants to secure this man’s resources, so that she and her children will be safe as she raises her young.
And so, women want sexual access to the highest value men possible, but they also want this man to share his resources with them.
Instead of competing for sexual access, women compete for the highest value men, and the resources they bring to the table.
Now, keep in mind that not every man or woman is going to be completely motivated by these evolutionary instincts.
All of these instincts are still alive and well within us today—but in many cases, we choose to overrule them with different behaviors.
But still, it is vitally important for men to understand that women approach the sexual marketplace from a position of abundance.
Since sex is easy for them to obtain, they are busy looking at other things.
They don’t just want a man with a penis who is willing to have sex.
They want a high-value man, who is kind, industrious, interesting, high-status, powerful, attractive, charismatic, ambitious, willing to share resources, etc.
It is vitally important to understand that we must become high value men if we want to succeed on the dating marketplace.
When we start to level up as alpha males, that is when we start to attract the most beautiful, highest-value women on the market.
And in many ways, avoiding the friend zone is actually the process of:
- Avoiding low-value markers
- Avoiding the ‘friend’ categorization at the beginning of the relationship
If all we want is sex, but we have nothing of substance to offer—well, that’s going to come off as low value, and she is going to be far more likely to rule you out as a sexual interest.
Whereas a man who has a lot to offer, who is interesting, who has high status, power, wealth, prestige, industriousness, intelligence, etc. This type of man is going to be far more attractive to her, and is going to command a greater level of sexual interest in the eligible women around him.
Here at Male Ambition, our goal is to help men live their best life.
We want men to understand how women operate, so that they can achieve the best possible results on the sexual marketplace.
And at the end of the day, learning how to get out of the friend zone with a girl can be boiled down to two different things.
- Become a high value alpha male
- Make sure that you sexually escalate with women you’re interested in
Go with grace, fine gentlemen—and never give up your power!